The Internet is a funny place. You can make a soul-felt connection with someone and not even know what they look like. Through this blog, I have “met” many people I like very much, feel connected by our interests in music, and consider friends. One of these has been Merz at Mars Needs Guitars blog. In addition to music, we connected over our shared battle against chronic depression.

This past week, he made a decision to end Mars Needs Guitars and go offline. This post is to honor that decision and allow me to show my understanding and express my loss because at this point I do not know if I will be able to regain contact with him. But music is a healer and a way to connect. It speaks the words we have no language for and validates what we feel. I don’t know if he will see this, but I will do it for myself and for those of us who care for him.

Joseph Arthur - Failed from Our Shadows Will Remain (2004) [Buy]
Now you’re gone, and I don’t know why
You removed yourself in the blink of an eye
When the seasons change, all you can do is cry
Now you’re gone, and I don’t know why
Maybe I failed, maybe I failed

Anyone who has not been a victim of long-term depression cannot comprehend what it is like to walk your path with the “black dog,” as Merz called it, always at your heels. What it is like to consider ending the pain permanently always among your choices. Only in recent years have I banned my demons from my door, but Merz’s demons are formidable and drug-resistant and have left him physically injured.

I know what it’s like to stare down into the black hole and think how easy it would be to just drop in. Someone I loved like my own life did just that. For now, Merz is OK, but I know the balance is so easy to tip.

Everybody hurts sometimes, but a depressed person hurts constantly. One of the songs Merz posted in the past month was “It Hurts Me All the Time” by the Faunts, a song I like as well.
Frida Hyvonen - Everybody Hurts (R.E.M. cover)

I know what it’s like to always feel like the outsider, that others seem to be able to get whatever they want so easily, and no matter how you struggle and try you are left behind and lacking.

The Cardigans - Hanging Around from Gran Turismo (1998) [Buy]
I wonder what it’s like
walking by your side
To think before I talk
and to move at the same speed as you walk
I want to have a weight
to keep me in your state
I’m watching from above
I love it but it’s not for me

It’s not possible for a person with chronic depression to snap out of it and suddenly feel fine, nor is it possible to pressure them into deciding to feel better. The disease has eaten away at their inner strength, and in Merz’s case his physical strength too, to an extent most people can’t imagine.

Rae Spoon - Strength From Within (solo) from Superioryouareinferior (2008) [Buy]
Sailors have always known that you can’t fight the wind.
You can’t fight the water with strength from within.
Strength from within. Strength from within.
We’ve gotta, we’ve gotta, we’ve gotta find
A way to get the ocean on our side.

Depression is the enemy within, the liar, the cancer that eats the soul. It’s so hard to have hope, but hope is all there is. Have hope, Merz. Have hope, my friend.

Frida Hyvonen - Enemy Within from Silence Is Wild [Buy]
The stone on the bottom of the ocean says
I know this is not a cul-de-sac
I know where all the blind alleys lead
And it’s a place you need to fill with love
Shine your light on me
As I chase through the night

Photo: Troubled skies by alt-gramma, 10-02-09

Filed under: blogs, covers, personal lives, Frida Hyvonen, Joseph Arthur, Rae Spoon, The Cardigans

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